When a friend or loved one has received the diagnosis it can be difficult to know what to say to them. On the one hand you want them to know that you’re willing to talk about their situation in as much detail as they’re willing to give. On the other you feel they might want some distraction from the endless reality they’re currently going through. There is no right or wrong approach; patients themselves often don’t know what to say. But as long as you try to be sensitive and remain alert to their cues it should be okay. I have, however, identified five commonly asked questions which it is definitely best to avoid.
1.What technological advantage helped the English win the battle of Crécy in 1346?
This is a very specific question, and one which 10 seconds of googling would have settled for you. The answer is the development of the longbow. Tests have shown that cancer patients retain high abilities in internet research, although they may tend to avoid searching for terms like symptoms or statistics. While they can be grateful for the occasional distraction, it is important to remember that they are also constantly busy, dividing their time between smiling stoically, drinking green tea, gazing wistfully out of windows and generally being really brave, and so have little time to spend on other people’s unrelated enquiries.
2. How many legs do insects have?
The fact you are asking this suggests you are expecting the obvious answer of six, with the sly intention of overturning it. A maggot, a juvenile fly, has no legs at all and yet is still called an insect, you might say. Similarly, caterpillars, in addition to the three pairs they carry on into maturity, have extra protolimbs bearing gripping crochets, and silverfish, the most primitive of our current insects, bear vestigial limbs on all their abdominal segments, a throwback to their myriapodal ancestors. You might even be aware that some entomologists no longer think it correct to consider Protura, Diplura and Collembola as insects at all, due to their entognathous mouthparts and their anamorphic pattern of segmental development, and instead would place them in the subclass of non-insectan hexapoda. It is not clear why you would be asking this question at all, especially of a cancer patient who probably has other things to worry about.
3. What about the football, eh? Did you see the football? Goals and everything. What’s that all about?
While sport might seem like a neutral topic for conversation, you have to be careful about the hidden signifiers. The end-to-end nature of a football match can be a reminder to the cancer patient of the struggle against tumours, and as such is best for them to avoid, just like threading needles, socialising and being in any way useful to others. The fact that the ball is brought back onto the pitch after every goal can represent a stubborn growth which refuses to go away. It is for this reason the average cancerman or -woman will tend not to be interested in football, except maybe Euro 2020 which they will watch every match of, as there’s only so much metaphor you can be scared of.
4. Why would Captain Ross Poldark risk his marriage to the flame-haired Demelza with the beautiful west country accent for the sake of a last-ditch fling with the insipid and haughty Elizabeth?
It is known that cancer patients have a heightened sense of critical judgement and so would be well placed to comment on period drama. However, this is such an entry-level question you might as well just ask a normal person. This would allow you more time to recommend to your cancerous friend the ingestion of turmeric or raw water, or that they should shun chemotherapy and turn to breatharianism to cure their illness.
And anyway, even if the characters weren’t fictional they would still have been dead these last 200 years, so who cares? A more pressing concern is that if I were to see Demelza in another role and found the accent was fake this would make me question everything I thought I knew about Cornwall, which admittedly isn’t much.
5. What are the opening hours for Uxbridge outdoor pool?
Did you not read the response to question 1?
Impractical Entomography 